Sleepless Nights 

So I’m laying in bed, haven’t gotten much sleep and all I can think about is this new found (and completely random) joy for writing in this blog.
My fiancé got home last night and saw me wrapping up on my previous blog and all he could say was ” your blogging? That’s for nerds” . Mind you we have a playful banter in our relationship, “who can be the biggest smartass” . It works for us, hey! If it aint broke! Just kidding . About the “ain’t broke part” , I really do love this new found sence of expression. Its so freeing. Oh my goodness I could go on and on.

Any who where did I leave off yesterday?. . . .oh yes! “Daddy Issues “, well ugh I’m just a mess, really I am. I can’t believe I turned out as “OK” as I have. I guess my need for that father figure has just fizzled out with time. As I had previously said, with my father it always felt like he tolerated me, funny to go 14 years feeling tolerated by a “parent” and now as a young adult I don’t really feel the need for him to be around.

You see, now that I’m older and planning to get married my father wants to act like he’s always been in the picture, there for me, and that’s just not the case. My dad was a drug user , frequent drinker and verbally abusive. Now that has aged and really no longer has that temper its a different story. The topic of who was going to walk me down the aisle came up. Of course like every girl I want that fairy tale perfect wedding, my dad giving me away ..etc. But during this time I’ve been able to reflect and no matter what its always been my mom, my brother, and myself. Because of this I want my brother to walk me it would mean the world to me. Well this little piece of information came out to my dad (via the younger brother) and dad wasn’t too happy. Now the topic comes up constantly whenever our wedding is being discussed.

This is one of those times when I wish rational thought and understanding could be taken into consideration, but no -_- sadly. As stupid as this all sounds you have no idea how growing up with someone that is like a ticking time bomb, unless you have done it. My mother being the strong woman that she was, is, tried her hardest to stick it out. I think her multiple attempts to try to keep our family together for 10+ years shows her need to try her hardest to give us what she thought we needed. Speed fwd 2015 , long story short, my mom hates my dad, my dad still loves my mom, and I really don’t speak to my dad.
Ok ,so, after all that, I know what you must be thinking, stop complaining, everyone has problems, blah blah blah, don’t get me wrong there were happy times too. Because of my mom meeting my dad so young my grandmother took us in. Now let’s pause for a minute so I can just say this, I’m so crazy about my Nana she’s the best! Every time I see her its like an ALL day thing of just hugs and us laughing she is so warm and loving (and will make you ANYTHING you want, or crave) Shes the ultimate definition of a homemaker/ housewife minus the husband. I swear I never wanna leave her house when I’m with her. Regardless of my mom n dad not being together my Nana always asks about my mom n that she misses her like she’s one of her daughters. In addition to that, my dad has a lot of sisters (4 to be exact) , only one of my aunts had kids , she was the oldest, but still a young mother herself. Growing up with my cousins was so much fun. We use to always be together, stay at each others houses , it was great like having another brother and sister.
I guess when you think about the bad you have to think about the good as well, one just doesn’t work without the other. At least myself ill think about something bad and just kinda outta nowhere it hits me….
Well til next time….


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